• Squirrel Violence Grips Illinois (Roving bands of squirrel gangs are terrorizing a suburban Chicago shopping mall.)
• Silent Night, Fat Chance (I take my kids Christmas shopping.)
• Gobbledygook, Drivel, and Tripe, Oh My! (The Plain English Campaign releases their Golden Bull awards.)
• I Don't Believe In The Little Drummer Boy (A Laughing Stalk tradition -- I make fun of a kid with a goatskin stretched over a hollow log)
• How to Engineer Impactful Deliverables (Not to be outdone by the PEC, Global Language Monitor releases their yearly World's Worst Words list.)

• Boycott Pencils! (Pencils cause timidity, uncertainty, and literary waffling.)
• We Need Dress Like a Pirate Day (Why can't I dress like a swashbuckler in public?)
• 'Twas the Month Before Christmas (The Laughing Stalk tradition carries on.)
• Holiday Fruitcakes. . . of DOOM! (Can fruitcakes be terrorist weapons?)

• A Day at the Luck Research Institute (Ever wonder who decided rabbits feet were lucky?)
• I'm Watching This Game if it Kills Me (Spectator sports can be bad for your health)
• Music Appreciation for Guys (There's more to classical music than cannons)
• Tag, You're Dumb! (A school in Massachussetts bans tag because it's dangerous.)

• Karl the Curmudgeon Issues a Challenge (My friendly neighborhood curmudgeon challenges me to a writing contest)
• Football Tea Party (I take my family to a football game.)
• The Dangers of Daughters (My children are learning about the birds and bees, despite my objections.)
• How To Raise a Spoiled Child (How do you teach a child not to do things without telling them "No"?)
• Coffee Card Craze (Coffee cards are only worth a few bucks, so what's the big deal?)

• It Means Pepperoni, Sausage, Anchovies (The importance of prostate exams for men. No, really.)
• My Kingdom for a Curmudgeon (Columnist Mike Royko had a curmudgeon. I want one too.)
• Take Two Pills and . . . Uhhhh (Scientists have a pill that helps with short term memory loss. It also helps with short term memory loss.)
• There Goes the Solar System (Stupid scientists boot Pluto out of the planetary roster.)

• Injured on the Fourth of July (Fireworks and my family don't mix.)
• One Day I'll Be a Man of Whole Words (What does it take to be a man of letters?)
• G'Day Mate, Bonzer Hat Ye Got There (Ooh, I get it. Think, THEN speak.)
• Bad to the T-Bone (Where Are They Now: George Thorogood)

• Doctrinal Battle Ruins Friendships, Family (What philosophical differences threaten this small nursery school?)
• Barry vs. The Hoons (Barry Manilow uncool?! Since when?)
• Move Over, Miss Manners. . . Please (I'm really getting tired of rude people. Servers and retail clerks of the world unite!)
• The Unfairness of Fairness (There is no such thing as true fairness.)
• An Open Letter to Ann Coulter (I think Ann just needs a friend. And a bi-i-i-i-g hug.)

May 2006

• Baa Baa Blue Sheep? (PC thugs try to change nursery rhymes)
• Billiards Is Not a Sport Either (If it doesn't make you sweat, it's not a sport.)
• Caution: Humorist On Board (My rant against Baby On Board signs)
• Has Anyone Ever Died from the Willies? (A fall from a bus, an unexpected find, and a squeamish humor writer.)

April 2006

• At Least I'm Not Chewing My Toenails (Since when did chewing on one's OWN beard become disgusting?)
• Because I'm the Daddy, That's Why (One of my first one-sided conversation columns: a trip to the restaurant)
• I'm a Big Boy Now! (How do you potty train a 3-year-old? With patience, care, and bribes.)
• Because We Don't Need Any, That's Why (I take my 3 kids grocery shopping.)

• Sometimes Life Just Ain't Fair, Eh (A polygamist can be jailed, but Hugh Hefner can have 7 girlfriends?!)
• The Thrill of Curling, The Agony of Obscurity (I've become a huge fan of curling lately)
• Jumping the Shark (When exactly does a TV show jump the shark? Ask Ted McGinley)
• Please Excuse Erik From His Column This Week (I wrote my very first note to my daughter's teacher)

• The Sounds of Aging (I've started making noises. . . old guy noises)
• Newsflash: Sex Makes You Stupid (There's an inverse relationship between the size of a bat's testicles and his brain. Duh!)
• At Least I Didn't Pick a Tuba (How I became a French Horn player)
• Hot Dog and Goliath (Hot Dog vendor trounces Wolfgang Puck)

• You Can't Say That Either (The 2006 Banned Words from Lake Superior State University)
• Alaska: Stay for the Winter (Don't let marketing people write your state's tourism slogan)
• Roman Colosseum, 60 A.D., Sunday Matinee (A one-sided conversation from 1946 years ago)
• It Beats Collecting Decorative Soaps (Geek alert! I used to collect beer cans)