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You Think It's Funny, But It's Not
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2003
Ask any parent about the worst part of parenting, and they'll all tell you the same thing: "I hate it when my kids get sick." The cries of "I don't fe-e-e-e-e-l go-o-o-o-o-d!" are always met with a heavy sigh, closed eyes, and a brief, but fervent prayer for strength and patience. Mostly patience.
It's not that we're unsympathetic to our children's illness -- any parent would willingly take the illness upon themselves to spare their child the agony of a head cold or stomach virus. It's just that when our kids are sick, they wear on our nerves.
They whine. They fuss. They won't sleep when you want them to. They think that watching TV will help them get better. They think playing will help them get better. They want to eat pizza after two straight days of vomiting. And they're filled-to-overflowing with snot.
I've been a father for over six years, and in that time, my wife has dealt with more colds, flus, and runny noses than she cares to remember. We've wiped noses, blown noses, and used that little snot vacuum -- that's the plastic nozzle with a ball on the end that sucks the snot right out of the kid's head.
Forget all other the other things your kid spews out in a normal illness. It's the snot that creates the biggest headache for parents.
As everyone knows, a young child is normally filled with all sorts of runny, icky, sticky goo you'd care to name. And on a normal day, they expel enough of it to fill a small garbage can. Which also means it ends up on our shirts, pants, fingers, and shoes.
So when your child is sick, take the daily output of the average two-year-old, and double it -- twice the snot, twice the tears, twice the "uh-oh-we-shouldn't-have-given-her-peanut-butter-and-bananas" vomit.
It's situations like this that separate the new parents from the seasoned pros. Anytime something comes out of their child, new parents scramble around so frantically, you'd think their little bundle of joy just belched fire. Veteran parents, on the other hand, just sit calmly with a look of resigned defeat and mumble, "Oh great, I got snot on my favorite shirt again."
When new parents get their child's snot on their hands, they'd gladly use a belt sander to wipe it off. When it happens to seasoned parents, they wait to wipe it on the other parent when they're not looking.
Of course, snot and mucus play a big part of any child's illness, and it's the reason for the heavy sighs when our kids start whining about how they don't fe-e-e-e-e-l go-o-o-o-o-d. That's because, with the exception of potty training, it's the big milestone that most parents pray for: blowing the child's nose for the very first time.
Oh sure, there are other, more momentous events like the first time your child crawled, walked, and went to the big boy potty. But nose blowing is a pretty important one, because it marks the first time the parents don't have to race for a Kleenex because of the huge snot lava stream shooting out their nose, or hold the child's hand to keep him from smearing it on his cheek.
Unfortunately it's also the milestone that parents don't discuss. No one cares when a child learns to blow their nose. It doesn't get recorded in the baby book. There aren't any in-depth articles about it in parenting magazines. Parents don't call the grandparents and shout "Bobby just used the big boy hanky!"
Most kids don't learn to effectively blow their nose until they're about two-and-a-half. And even then, it's only a half-hearted. . . uh, half-nosed blow that's about as effective as pouring a glass of water on a forest fire. It's not until a child hits three that they can trumpet with the adults and really clear out their sinuses.
That's the day parents pray for, so they can stop wiping noses, using the snot vacuum, or hearing that blasted snot whistle over and over and over until they just can't take it any more and they turn on the radio to some really obnoxious static just for some relief from THAT FREAKIN' WHISTLING!
But it's at that point, that wondrous magical day, when taking care of sick children finally gets easier. That's when you can plop your sick kid on the couch, turn on cartoons, and just hover nearby with an industrial-sized box of Kleenex.
Let's just hope they don't get diarrhea.
=====
Erik Deckers
(published week of December 5th, 2003)
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I Do?
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2003
My wife and I raised a lot of eyebrows when we first announced our engagement. I think it was especially puzzling to people, because we had already been married for three years when we made the announcement.
Actually, it was because people never thought we were the marrying type, at least to each other. So, as we close in on our tenth wedding anniversary, I would like to take this opportunity to say "neener neener neener" to all those who doubted us.
And while I may not have been married as long as someone who has been married for, say, eleven years, I think I have a pretty good grasp on what it takes to make a successful marriage. So I would like to offer some tips and ideas for those of you who will be getting married, are newly married, or are wondering, "Jeez, why did I ever get married in the first place?!"
The foundation of a successful marriage is being able to communicate effectively. Husbands and wives need to discuss their feelings, share their dreams, and even discuss the future. But more importantly, they need to understand that there is a proper time and place for this sort of thing.
This isn't one of those columns where I trot out the tired joke of "Wives, don't bring up your feelings during the football game." That joke has been around a lot longer than football, and frankly, it's starting to get annoying.
Ancient Roman Wife: Darlingus, does this toga make me look fat? Why don't you like my mother? I'm feeling bad about myself. Do you still love me?
Ancient Roman Husband: Sweetieus Maximus, I don't want to discuss this right now. The gladiator match just started, and they've tossed in a lion.
But tired jokes aside, another bad time to try to talk to each other is through the bathroom door. That's the sanctuary, a place to get away from the chaos of the household. Saying anything other than "Dinner is ready" is considered a serious breach of marriage etiquette, and is punishable by letting your spouse get his or her way for a week.
Instead, try to find a time where you're both ready for an in-depth discussion of your feelings, like the middle of a three-day driving trip, and you've just entered Nebraska.
Spending time together on common interests are another important part of marriage. They help you gain greater insights about your spouse, and learn important things about each other, like neither of you likes Brussel sprouts, reality TV shows, or finding shaving cream in the toe of your favorite running shoes.
Do things together that you'll both enjoy, like watching football, talking about football, and reading about football. And wives, try to do things your husbands like too.
Spending time apart on different interests are equally important. Don't think that you need to do everything together just because you're married. For example, wives can use this time to develop your love of musical theater. And husbands can use this time to develop your love of anything that is not musical theater, like do-it-yourself surgery.
However, it's not a good idea to develop interests that are mutually exclusive, like ant farming and breeding aardvarks, practicing yoga and playing in a heavy metal band, or working for opposing political parties. James Carville and Mary Matalin have become successful political consultants for the Democrats and Republicans, respectively, and have stayed married for many years. But how they have managed to stay together without killing each other is beyond me.
Finally, and most importantly, make sure to express your love for each other on a regular basis. Reminding your spouse why you married them in the first place can go a long way in strengthening your relationship, making the rough times a lot smoother.
You don't have to gaze deeply into each other's eyes and whisper "I love you" seven times a day, but do things that let your husband or wife know that you still care.
Do one of their regular household chores for them. Pick up their favorite candy bar or treat the next time you're at the store. Surprise them with the "Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers" DVD they've wanted for the past three months. To help this along, be sure to drop small, but subtle clues in places so they don't forget that you want the "Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers" DVD.
Places like, say, a newspaper column.
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Erik Deckers
(published week of December 12th, 2003)
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I Don't Believe In The Little Drummer Boy
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2003
In Erik's usual holiday spirit, he loves to rant about things that bug him. His favorite topic? The Little Drummer Boy. As a gift to him, we are reprinting his favorite Christmas column -- with a few changes -- during the week of Christmas.
Christmas is one of my favorite times of the year. My birthday, my anniversary, and any other occasion where someone gives me presents are also big favorites.
To get into the Christmas spirit, I enjoy listening to Christmas music, so I usually hit the department stores around August so I can hear "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer." It's a wonder most store clerks don't go postal on their customers by mid-November.
I love the classics -- "Jingle Bells," "Silent Night" or the Sex Pistols' "Have Yourself a Merry $%@&! Christmas." But the rest of the songs are awful, and I chase off carolers with a pitchfork whenever I hear them.
One of the most annoying Christmas songs ever is Bruce Springsteen's "Santa Claus is Coming To Town." It's 20 minutes long, and the last nineteen-and-a-half minutes are nothing but Bruce singing "Santa Claus is coming to town" over and over. And over. By the time Bruce has finished with his Yuletide droning, Santa has left town and is already slamming Upside-Down Margaritas with the elves at home.
But that's nothing compared to the worst Christmas song ever; the song that makes me want to sleep straight to Easter: "The Little Drummer Boy." Not only do they sing the same thing over and over -- pa-rum pum pum pum -- but the song isn't that believable.
I realize songs about a fat guy sliding effortlessly down a chimney, and a flying reindeer with a halogen nose aren't so believable, but I've seen the reindeer myself.
First of all, drums do not go "pa-rum pum pum pum." As any parent of a child with a toy drum knows, a drum is a loud percussive instrument. They do not make pleasant little melodies sung by children's choirs. They make headaches. Drums go "KA-WHAM WHAP WHAP WHAP!"
In other words, when the Little Drummer Boy asks Mary if he could play a song for the Baby Jesus -- pa-rum pum pum pum -- no one says, "Wait a minute! That kid is just going to pound a drum at Him!" I agree that giving the gift of music is a very noble sentiment, unless you really wanted that big screen high-definition TV instead. After all, it's the thought that counts. But when your newborn baby has just gone to sleep after 6 hours of constant screaming because his bedding is made of straw, do you really want someone going "ka-wham whap whap whap!" at him?
What about Mary? What did she do during this time? According to the song, she just nodded -- pa-rum pum pum pum -- listened attentively, and smiled quietly to herself. Not being a mother myself, I can't speak for other mothers. But I'd wager your Christmas gifts that if you've been riding on a donkey for several days while carrying a huge watermelon in your belly, and then spent the last 36 hours in labor, you wouldn't want some snot-nosed kid showing up and to beat a drum at you. The song would be more accurate if it said "Mary leapt off her stool and chased the little brat away, pa-rum pum pum pum. "
And what about the ox and lambs that kept time -- pa-rum pum pum pum? Not likely. Everyone knows that oxen are tone deaf and lambs don't have a well-developed sense of rhythm. If they said horses and llamas, I would have believed it.
"Then He smiled at me" (pa-rum pum pum pum). I have an easier time believing the ox and lambs put on top hats and sang "Puttin' On the Ritz." How would you feel if you had just been removed from a nice warm womb and stuck in a bed of itchy, smelly straw when some little jerk starts beating a drum at you? Here's a test. Go find a newborn baby and start pa-rum pum pum pumming on a pot with a couple of wooden spoons. If he smiles at something like that, he's colicky.
I'm all for the magic and wonder of Christmas. But I know mothers. And I know babies. And I know that mothers don't want anyone pounding drums around with their babies.
Gift of music or not, beating on a goatskin stretched over a hollow log is not something a new mother wants to deal with. Give her something useful, like a set of earplugs or a live-in nanny.
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Erik Deckers
(published week of December 19th, 2003)
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What If I Quadrupled It?
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2003
As we begin our new year, I have several resolutions, including becoming a millionaire. I realize it's largely unachievable, but I feel better if I fail at something other than the "eat right, exercise more" resolution everyone else blows.
However, I may finally have a fast path to reaching my goal. I learned an amazing financial secret from a motivational speaker this past fall. I won't name any names, but let's just say this person is the president, owner, and founder of Peter Lowe Seminars.
This person, who we'll call "Pete" to protect his identity, shared an incredible secret to becoming a millionaire. And he spent half of his hour-long presentation telling us about it:
Take one US dollar and -- are you ready for this? -- DOUBLE IT 20 TIMES!
This wasn't just an interesting bit of trivia he mentioned in his first 30 minutes. It was the entire 30 minutes, and he spent it covering the different ways he could say, "take a dollar and double it, not 10 times, not 15 times, but 20 times, and you'll have a million dollars."
Actually, you'll have $1,048,576, but I won't split hairs.
Maybe the real money is in motivational speaking: take a painfully obvious piece of information, tell a stadium full of people, and charge them $50 each to hear it.
Motivational speaker: You should buy stocks at a low price and sell them at a high price!
He didn't actually tell us how to do it, or he would have charged us more. He just reminded us over and over that if we doubled a dollar 20 times, we would have a million dollars.
But don't think "Pete" spent all his time explaining this amazing process. He also cautioned us about the dangerous pitfalls along the "doubling your money" path.
(Did I mention that if you double a dollar 20 times, you'll have a million dollars?)
"Don't just double your dollar 10 times -- reaching $1,024 -- and blow it on a refrigerator," he warned us. "Then you'll have to start all over. Just double it 10 more times, and you'll have your million dollars."
Wow, thanks "Pete." You've somehow managed to stretch a simple idea into a 30 minute lecture. What's next, "Beating a dead horse: What to do when your arms get tired?"
Since "Pete" didn't actually tell us how to double our money 20 times, I've devised another method to become wealthy: I'm going to become a financial advisor. After all, financial advisors on TV seem to have all the answers. They must be fabulously wealthy, and only do their job because otherwise they would get bored with living in the same mansions and driving the same luxury automobiles day after day.
My goal is to have people pay me to give them money-saving advice, such as "stop giving money to people who tell you stuff you can find in personal finance books."
Unfortunately, I know absolutely nothing about this field. But that doesn't seem to stop a lot of people, including one TV preacher who says that if you send him money, God will make you successful in your personal finances (step one: "stop wasting money on TV preachers").
So what does it take to become a financial advisor on the radio? You have to know all the Wall Street tricks like buying stocks and bonds, insider trading, defrauding investors, and embezzlement. And apparently, you also have to give painfully obvious advice to your radio audience.
Caller: I'm having problems controlling my credit card debt. I've tried using different cards, applying for new cards, and even swiping the cards with my other hand. What should I do?
Financial advisor: Stop buying things with your credit cards. But first, buy my book, "1,001 Ways to Stop Buying Things With Your Credit Cards." It's only $49.95.
But this seems too hard. Maybe I can improve "Pete's" doubling trick instead.
Take one US dollar and TRIPLE it just 13 times. Then you'll have $1.5 million. Forget all this "doubling" business. That's for the timid and weak. The real go-getters triple their money. But don't stop there. If you triple that dollar just 19 times, you'll actually have $1 BILLION! You'd have to double a dollar 30 times to hit that.
Instead of charging you $50 for this bit of information, like most motivational speakers, I'm only charging$10. Now if I can just find 100,000 people to fall for this, I'll have my first million.
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Erik Deckers
(published week of December 26th, 2003)
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